Sunday, February 26, 2012

A State of the Union-Type Discussion

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about balance.  Somehow finding the bridge between my internal workings and the external actions.  And I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job.  

You see, I consider myself to be quite the introvert.  It is only from years and years of forced practice that I've become the loud mouthed girl I am today.  Which is a shame, really.  Deep down, I relish the quiet.  I feel I am, at my core, a very quiet person.  I do.  My weekends and evenings are steeped in silence and calm that I relish. For all the song and dance I put on every day in my classroom, I sometimes feel like I'm watching someone else.  I feel very good about what I do and I'm proud of who I am as a teacher, but I still feel like something is missing... something's forced.  

And here's the strange thing... I find myself holding back every single day.  There is so much I want to do, but somehow haven't mustered the strength to do.  But every day, I go running my mouth again and again and again.  And it's not nearly the satisfying experience I imagine it to be. Rinse and repeat.  

There's no reason I can't find more of myself in my day to day life.  And damnit, isn't it about time? 

So... the plan: 

1.  Write more.  Write often.  Anywhere and everywhere.  
There may not be many moments of genius.  The subject matter may be mundane at times.  But when I write, I feel like I'm speaking the truth for myself.  If only for that moment.  So let's do more of that, shall we? 

2.  Listen more, think more, create more... but above all... shut. the. hell. up.  
I gave up acting because the spotlight made me uncomfortable.  I've never regretted that decision. But somehow, I've found myself somehow bound and determined to seek the lead roles in my life anyway.  It's time to step back into the chorus line.  

3.  Stop second guessing myself. 
There are quite a few things that I've really wanted to do for a long while, but have always found an excuse to say no.  So maybe now is the time to really look into finding that tattoo design and a great artist.  Now is the time to get up, get going and get healthy- for real.  Now is the time to make bold choices and bold moves - not because they're popular, easy or necessarily smooth transitions, but because they're right for me.   Now and in the long run.  

Ready, steady, go, eh?  

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