Thursday, October 18, 2012

Yes.

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In the darkness of my lonely days and moments in Ukraine, I found peace and calm in the most unexpected of places.  I would perch indian-style in the chair I always dragged to the little end table that housed my laptop, books and cup of tea, and look through the open window across the courtyard.  Quiet.  Calm.  I often found myself looking up at the building across the courtyard from my bloc at a single window.  It was the balcony and living room window of an apartment much higher up than mine - one room, full of golden light, and the silhouette of a single hanging plant.  I never met the people who lived there.  I never even saw their shadow.  But inexplicably, gazing at that light, that glow in the window gave me comfort.  It made me feel just that much less alone.  I would look up at the light without a thought and it would help me stay calm.  It made me feel like all was right.   A mysterious solace.  

This past weekend, I traveled back to a place that surprised me by how much it felt like home.  As though the place reminded me and woke me up to the person I should be.  The person I am.  I returned to my college town with not a hint of excitement.  Nervous that the worst of my memories would be there to greet me.  That the people I travelled to see, would see the worst in me.  But I was wrong.  In so many ways, I was wrong.  

This place, at once beautiful and unpredictable, full of parts of my life that I didn't think would ever coalesce, was perfect.  Exactly what I needed.  The reminder I needed and the connection I've yearned for.  It was everything I could have remembered and more.  A soothing slap in the face that reminds me that nothing good is done unless you make it so.  

This song is much the same.  Perfect for this moment and this day - as the wind swirls and the leaves dance through the sky, as robins puff their feathers seeking the warmth of a day that will not come to them.  It is the perfect song for this moment, this place in my life.  Reminding me of all the things I thought were once done, that turn out to be forever.  I am calm and content.  With no need to look outside for the light.  It is already here.  

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