Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Silver Linings.

Every now and again, a movie comes along and explains everything....

"There's always going to be a part of me that's sloppy and dirty, but I like that. With all the other parts of myself. Can you say the same about yourself...? Can you forgive? Are you any good at that?"

Most of the time, I feel like I'm kind of clumsily flowing through life... nothing I expected to happen when I was growing up has happened.  But none of the bad or unexpected or challenging stuff has left me worse for wear, either.  I'm odd and challenging and have a bit of a stubborn, independent streak.  Sometimes I wish it wasn't so. But it is.  I can be so loud and brash on the outside, but internally, I feel pretty meek, and quiet, and nine times out of ten, remarkably calm.  Sometimes I wish it wasn't so.  But it is.  I do not have smooth porcelain skin.  I am no size 6.  Sometimes I snort when I laugh and sometimes I just can't be bothered to take a shower.  Sometimes I'm lonely and sometimes I'm strong.  I've made pretty damnable, selfish decisions at times, and have sometimes given so much of myself I have let my needs and desires fall to the wayside. 

But for all of it, the twists and turns, the nonsense and the goods... the only regrets I have are for not being more confident - or at least pretending to be.  Not going for it.  Not risking a bit more.  Not getting out of my head and getting vulnerable and taking chances.  Not allowing myself to be foolish.  I can't think of anything I wish I hadn't done... and to be honest, there's also not much that I'm dying to go back and do so differently.  Just... more.  

I am flawed and a mess and excitable and cranky and such a strange mesh of clean and dirty things...  but I'm kind of good with that.  And that's the good stuff.  

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