Thursday, April 11, 2013

Opening










This song on my mind.  In heavy rotation.  On repeat.  Like a mantra, or a prayer.  

I have never, and I mean ever, been accused of holding back.  Of not speaking my mind.  Forever the squeeky wheel, I am an emotional reactor.  I explode with all makes of emotion first, but can then move on with my life.

It ends up, in my mind anyway, as my particular brand of passion.  My zeal.  I will absolutely give life my all; kick ass and take names while I'm at it - whether that means picking up and moving, travelling alone, or just devoting an obscene amount of time on the couch in a weekend of television lust.  The emotional reaction drives the passion and drives the decision.  But sometimes that passion, that decisiveness, can be super scary.

Losing to the risks, having my heart broken to shreds, and watching decisions not pan out the way I would have hoped has made me hold back on the most important of things.  Not my job, my weekend plans or my thoughts on the tough topics of the day.  The really important stuff.  The things I hold most dear: my friendships and relationship.  Holding back has been the crutch to hold onto some semblance of control when things were feeling anything but calm.

My closest friends are simultaneously going through the most joyous and devastating moments I can imagine.  It is incredibly difficult to react appropriately.  I don't have any kind of compass for these moments and the complexities of my friends as they stress and jump for joy and cry and turn nasty and generally surprise me at every moment.  My reactions have not necessarily been helpful or awesome.   My attempts to control my face to not betray my thoughts after being oh so surprised my my lovelies' craziness.   My face betrays me, my reactions isolate... and why?  Because I'm trying to hold onto something?  By trying to be there for them, yet somehow getting what I need from them?  It's a logic that simply doesn't make sense.

I've jumped into jobs, into completely different cultures.  I've moved across the country and the world.   And I've never regretted it.  It's almost like a switch.  Somewhere inside, without much conscious thought, the decision is made almost without my realizing it.  That decisiveness has been a huge blessing - and after kind of losing my mojo for a few years after a few too many moments of second guessing, I cannot express how amazing it feels to feel that decisiveness come creeping back.  A few nights ago, I felt it again.  Like a snap from deep within.  A decision.

No thoughts.  No emotional tantrums or reactions.  Just let go.  Take the plunge and see where things go.  Pry open the creaky door to the dusty space in my heart and dance with the thoughts playing in my mind.  Back up and give space where space is due.  It is an instantaneous relief.  Like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders and I can stand tall again.

It's just a start.  The teensiest space; the smallest of openings. It is truly terrifying and makes me feel so incredibly vulnerable.  But my gut is with me.  I feel strong and powerful and sexy as hell.

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